Feelings update

Life.. why must it be so complicated? When I was younger it was so much simpler! I miss the days when worrying about money and food and keeping a roof over our heads was just my mothers problem, now its more mine then hers. 

Not having a job is really starting to get to me, this is the first time in years that I havent worked, I feel so crappy about my life, not being able to buy anything, ever have money to spend, its reaaaally starting to get to me.. I cant handle it, I honestly dont like living right now at all, I feel like I hate EVERYTHING. I feel antisocial, whenever i'm out for too long around people i'm not comfortable with I get this horrible feeling of axiety in my gut, all I want is to just get away.. get home and away from people and things and smiles and all the fakeness. 

I wont ever be happy I dont think, happiness isn't in gods plan for me I suppose. Some people are blessed with beauty, money and fame.. me, im just me. 

I really dont think anything will ever be easy for me, it never has. I'd love for this feeling of emptiness to go away, its the only possible way happiness can get to me. 

I probably seem like some depressed girl, which at this moment I guess I must sound that way.. My emotions are everywhere today.. Im not sure how to deal with how I'm feeling so I'm just writing, cause this is the only thing making me feel any better..

I miss being happy, I had to have been at some point, but getting there.. I don't think I ever can again.

What I have learned.

Woww, its really been since march i havnt updated this thing.. Seems like a habit to be starting this blog about him again.. but its different this time.. I dont miss him anymore.. I see what he did to me.. but as i see I havnt updated this since before all the drama with me and him escalated so i feel like i should share what has happened since then.

In April.. he started talking to me again.. Calling and what not.. coming up with excuses to see me again.. We had started talking almost everyday.. but he was still dating that girl I spoke of before. So behind her back he continued to talk to me.. we had built another natural relationship although it was all a secret, but he was there again. After a couple weeks of this he ended up getting drunk and showing up at my house and telling me that he still cared and that he missed us.. also that he didnt even know why he was with the girl he was with and that he didnt even wanna be with her.. After sobering up on both of our parts we ended up hooking up and he cheated on his new gf with me. He felt bad and what not but i was just happy as hell because i had gotten back at her for taking him from me.. She ended up finding our txts from that night and went home crying.. he broke up with her for other reasons and i thought things would be different for us.. Yet he got back with her, didnt tell her what happened and just continued to lie to her.. I found out later in all this that the bastard cheated on me with her .. his exact words to me one day were "We hooked up.. thats part of the reason i didnt come back to you was because i didnt wanna seem like a cheater". After hearing that and processing it I realized.. "WTF am i doing?!  This needs to STOP.." so i came up with a plan to tell his gf what happened even though i promised him i wouldnt say anything.. knowing it would fuck up what we were doing and would make him stop talking to me i realized that what was happening was not worth it at all.. so in my own way, i deliberatly pushed him way again.. but this time it was MY decision.. it didnt break my heart like it did before.. this time it just made me stronger :).

I know what happened was bad, but the little bitch deserved it.. and so did he. I dont regret anything ive done to them but i know now that i have my closure.. After all that.. im over him.. im finally moving on and happy with my life and im so thankful to have the people i do have in my life that care about me.

One day I hope we can make up and be friends like we were before. Im sure we will.. this whole situation just shows me that friends... shouldn't ever be more then friends .

Memoriesss

Memories memories memories.. ahh they suck, well the ones that came back in a flash because my stupid subconscious mind decided to dream of him last night. Well not exacly him.. more of the essence of him. I miss it, being loved, kissed, hugged. It was constant for a long time for me, the end of my teenage life was wasted on that fool. I really hate that we wasted a perfectly good friendship by dating, of course I loved the guy but he was a good friend before all this, and we messed it all up by dating and I hate it. That is mostly all that bothers me about the way things turned out between us, I honestly wish I could be happy for him and his girlfriend, but that fact that everytime i try to get over it I think that its her fault hes not in my life, maybe not entirely but she was the main cause, the thing that tore us apart. If he would have met someone after we had broken up my feel alot different. But im pretty sure that if he had never met her we wouldnt be in this predicament.


Who knows though, perhaps we can be friends again years from now, when were both matured and over everything from the past. Can ex's even be friends? That is something i'd really like to know.



I hate that I always start these things about him, I only feeling like updating this when my feelings are strong about something, there are other things going on too with mom, shes being all weird lately, I think shes on new meds or something, but i dont know what to do about it this time.. I dont have a nurse telling me what to keep track of.. its scary this whole mess with mom is just scary because I have no idea whats going on with her, im afraid shes got dementia or alseimers because shes forgetting an awful lot. Im afraid for her, im afraid of losing my mom and it scares me everyday.

Valentines day.

Considering this is a romantic holiday this theme will obviously be romance. Well romance sucks.

You know its 3:38am and im just, depressed. Today just isn't my day.. I'm honestly way over being sad over that piece of shit but today, I do really miss him.. more then like, any other day then Christmas. Just remembering how it used to be.. We were inlove. It just really saddens me.. thinking.. a year from now, we were us.. I didnt think he'd ever just replace me the way he has.. today it just gets to me, its Valentines day after all and im all alone.. and just thinking of him with her kills me, but its his own fault.. he did this to us with her help and honestly, what he did to me was not right. It was horrible and hes just a piece of shit but i still miss what we used to have.

This day is just really getting to me I guess, all will go back to normal when this horrid day is over with.

Better.

At the moment, things are going okay.. No more sadness, well.. a little. I got my heart broken so of course its still going to hurt, but things are better, its not constant. Lately ive been going through whole days without getting down. Theres always something that reminds me though, but it just doesn't make me very sad anymore.. it feels good to start being happy, to be living life for me now and not somebody else. Im free. 

But still, I miss him. Its just not eating at me anymore. Im hoping one day we can be friends, I still want him in my life even if we just hang every so often, play some COD or something haha. Other then that though I moved recently off of that awfull street, waaay better here for mom! No stairs or anything, its perfect for her. 

My moms birth mother died yesterday morning.. yet i feel nothing. I barely knew the woman, all i knew about her was that she chose liquor over her husband and daughters, and her boyfriend was a crazy man and threatened to stab my mom in her sleep if we didnt move back to Sudbury. (Btw, we lived in Brighton next door to her for six months when i was 3) I never had respect for her upon hearing that so I dont feel as if i should be sad, but it feels wrong not feeling anything.. she was my grandmother, but she was never my grandma.. Its just weird, idk how to feel. But i will say, R.I.P Virginia, i wish you would have been there as a grandma.. but you werent, if u get to live again in any form, i hope your second life was better then this one.

As for missing Ashley, its just getting worse, im beginning to miss her more and more. Christmas is coming and reality is sinking in.. she wont be there. I can't believe that!.. I dont know how im going to get through Christmas this year.

huge update.

April.. As if that was the last update, so much has happened since then its unbelievable.

Me and Matts One Year anniversary was on August 27. God I love that guy, but unfortunetly we're not together anymore. There was this girl from his school, and I didnt trust her. I knew she liked him, I could see it and I asked him only not to hang out with her alone, but I called from work one day and he was watching a movie alone with just her. Of course I was upset right? Its not that I didnt trust him, its her.. it was always her. And I NEVER thought once that he was cheating on me. I trusted him, I gave all my heart to that boy. 

Anyway, we got into a fight about it, it was going on for like 2 days.. He thought I didnt trust him, he didnt seem to realize it was her the whole time I didn't trust. I would still trust him even if we ever got back together, which I really doubt. But this girl, shes retarded. Not literally .. well atleast I dont think so? Although there is something wrong in her brain[HA]. And I just wanted a break, it was such a big fight, over me getting mad that he hung out with her alone? Like cmon now seriously its very reasonable. I told him I wanted a few days to myself, to hang out with my friends.. but he wouldnt accept that, he considered it a break up, which wasn't the case AT ALL. And after like 2 days I had asked him everyday to come hang out, he'd say yeah then just always end up not coming, one day HE told me a time he'd come over, spend some time with me.. well he "got busy" again and couldnt, so i got mad. I told him when he did wanna see me to call, he didnt call or txt that whole day.. and then the next day, I go over to my friends after school to play nazi zombies.. Matt txt'd me telling me to call him? I did when i got home and we were talking, and I was crying and he just.. broke up with me.. I was histerical .. How? How could i loose the one person who ever really gave a damn about me? How could he just up and leave me with out even trying to fix things? First time ever breaking up and he didnt even try! Yeah for like a day when I was being stubborn because he broke my fucking heart. 

Then, 2 days later, i'm just getting dressed for work and my cousin Celeste txt'd me and told me my cousin Ashley died. Ashley? 20 years old and so alive and shes gone? I lost Matt then Ash.. But i lost Ashley for good, shes not alive anymore, shes gone. How? She was at the hospital for hours and they didnt let her see a doctor! And then she went home and died in her boyfriends arms. I thought he could be there for me.. you know? When i needed him the most.. but he wasnt, he didnt wanna try at all. And then seeing Ash like that, looking like she'd just wake up and say "Gotcha!" at anytime.. it was so hard, i had no one.. I still dont have anyone. 

I started listening to this band, The Pretty Reckless, made me feel better a little, then my friend started coming around, he made me feel better. I wasnt so sad anymore all the time, I could function again but then some things happened and he stopped coming around. 

I was okay for a little bit. I came home from school to have my mom tell me I need to pay half the rent, half the hydro and basically half the internet/phone/cable bill, im 18? I live with a parent because im trying to get myself a good education I cant afford that kind of shit, I need smokes, food.. i pay for my cell phone.. and i only make 200$ every 2 weeks. So its either, do that.. give all the money i make for rent, move with my dad whos struggling like crazy and cant even afford me being there(although he says i can anyways) or get an apartment with a roomate. Im screwed.

I just dont know what to do anymore, and also, recently Matts little cousin msg'd me on facebook basically telling me she thinks that stupid girl is his new girlfriend, that they were holding hands at his little cousins bday party like 2 weeks ago? Why the hell was she there with him anyway? Friends my ass. If he ever loved me.. why the hell would he be doing these things? I dont understand! And its why its a million times harder to move on. I was fine until hearing that stuff.. well not fine, but id say i was okay. Getting better. But fuck man it hurts, and I just dont get how he didnt wanna try to fix things with us? I just dont get it. Just let our love fall apart and didnt even consider trying to fix things? I love him, so so so so so much, and i miss him like crazy.. He wont even answer my txts, my calls.. nothing. He doesnt love me anymore, he probably never did, I will never love anyone ever again, At the state im in, with all this shit thats going on.. I wont make it very long, i just cant do it anymore.

LIST

- Get a job

- Get a new computer

- Go to school every day for a month

-Get Matt to explain to me what the hell is running through his mind

- Start saving money for Florida to meet my sister in law and my niece!

- Graduate school in the in the next yeah and a half

-Don't give up 

Okay so, I fear that my relationship is in trouble. I don't understand why its so hard to have both my friend and my boyfriend in my life, why do I have to throw a friend away because of conflicts that happened before we started to date? Life isn't fair, thats always been clear to me, when something good happens, its followed by lots of bad. When a friends in trouble, and needs someone in there life to talk to, and who has made bad choices but is a good person underneath it all.. shouldn't you always be there for that friend, expecially if their your best friend? My boyfriend just doesn't seem to understand that we're really good friends.. He hates him. But if my friends willing to try and make up for old mistakes, and prove hes doing better.. shouldn't my boyfriend try and be more understanding seeing as how much this is hurting. Ughhh!


As I said, life's unfair.. but what can we do?