Feelings update

Life.. why must it be so complicated? When I was younger it was so much simpler! I miss the days when worrying about money and food and keeping a roof over our heads was just my mothers problem, now its more mine then hers. 

Not having a job is really starting to get to me, this is the first time in years that I havent worked, I feel so crappy about my life, not being able to buy anything, ever have money to spend, its reaaaally starting to get to me.. I cant handle it, I honestly dont like living right now at all, I feel like I hate EVERYTHING. I feel antisocial, whenever i'm out for too long around people i'm not comfortable with I get this horrible feeling of axiety in my gut, all I want is to just get away.. get home and away from people and things and smiles and all the fakeness. 

I wont ever be happy I dont think, happiness isn't in gods plan for me I suppose. Some people are blessed with beauty, money and fame.. me, im just me. 

I really dont think anything will ever be easy for me, it never has. I'd love for this feeling of emptiness to go away, its the only possible way happiness can get to me. 

I probably seem like some depressed girl, which at this moment I guess I must sound that way.. My emotions are everywhere today.. Im not sure how to deal with how I'm feeling so I'm just writing, cause this is the only thing making me feel any better..

I miss being happy, I had to have been at some point, but getting there.. I don't think I ever can again.

What I have learned.

Woww, its really been since march i havnt updated this thing.. Seems like a habit to be starting this blog about him again.. but its different this time.. I dont miss him anymore.. I see what he did to me.. but as i see I havnt updated this since before all the drama with me and him escalated so i feel like i should share what has happened since then.

In April.. he started talking to me again.. Calling and what not.. coming up with excuses to see me again.. We had started talking almost everyday.. but he was still dating that girl I spoke of before. So behind her back he continued to talk to me.. we had built another natural relationship although it was all a secret, but he was there again. After a couple weeks of this he ended up getting drunk and showing up at my house and telling me that he still cared and that he missed us.. also that he didnt even know why he was with the girl he was with and that he didnt even wanna be with her.. After sobering up on both of our parts we ended up hooking up and he cheated on his new gf with me. He felt bad and what not but i was just happy as hell because i had gotten back at her for taking him from me.. She ended up finding our txts from that night and went home crying.. he broke up with her for other reasons and i thought things would be different for us.. Yet he got back with her, didnt tell her what happened and just continued to lie to her.. I found out later in all this that the bastard cheated on me with her .. his exact words to me one day were "We hooked up.. thats part of the reason i didnt come back to you was because i didnt wanna seem like a cheater". After hearing that and processing it I realized.. "WTF am i doing?!  This needs to STOP.." so i came up with a plan to tell his gf what happened even though i promised him i wouldnt say anything.. knowing it would fuck up what we were doing and would make him stop talking to me i realized that what was happening was not worth it at all.. so in my own way, i deliberatly pushed him way again.. but this time it was MY decision.. it didnt break my heart like it did before.. this time it just made me stronger :).

I know what happened was bad, but the little bitch deserved it.. and so did he. I dont regret anything ive done to them but i know now that i have my closure.. After all that.. im over him.. im finally moving on and happy with my life and im so thankful to have the people i do have in my life that care about me.

One day I hope we can make up and be friends like we were before. Im sure we will.. this whole situation just shows me that friends... shouldn't ever be more then friends .

Memoriesss

Memories memories memories.. ahh they suck, well the ones that came back in a flash because my stupid subconscious mind decided to dream of him last night. Well not exacly him.. more of the essence of him. I miss it, being loved, kissed, hugged. It was constant for a long time for me, the end of my teenage life was wasted on that fool. I really hate that we wasted a perfectly good friendship by dating, of course I loved the guy but he was a good friend before all this, and we messed it all up by dating and I hate it. That is mostly all that bothers me about the way things turned out between us, I honestly wish I could be happy for him and his girlfriend, but that fact that everytime i try to get over it I think that its her fault hes not in my life, maybe not entirely but she was the main cause, the thing that tore us apart. If he would have met someone after we had broken up my feel alot different. But im pretty sure that if he had never met her we wouldnt be in this predicament.


Who knows though, perhaps we can be friends again years from now, when were both matured and over everything from the past. Can ex's even be friends? That is something i'd really like to know.



I hate that I always start these things about him, I only feeling like updating this when my feelings are strong about something, there are other things going on too with mom, shes being all weird lately, I think shes on new meds or something, but i dont know what to do about it this time.. I dont have a nurse telling me what to keep track of.. its scary this whole mess with mom is just scary because I have no idea whats going on with her, im afraid shes got dementia or alseimers because shes forgetting an awful lot. Im afraid for her, im afraid of losing my mom and it scares me everyday.

Valentines day.

Considering this is a romantic holiday this theme will obviously be romance. Well romance sucks.

You know its 3:38am and im just, depressed. Today just isn't my day.. I'm honestly way over being sad over that piece of shit but today, I do really miss him.. more then like, any other day then Christmas. Just remembering how it used to be.. We were inlove. It just really saddens me.. thinking.. a year from now, we were us.. I didnt think he'd ever just replace me the way he has.. today it just gets to me, its Valentines day after all and im all alone.. and just thinking of him with her kills me, but its his own fault.. he did this to us with her help and honestly, what he did to me was not right. It was horrible and hes just a piece of shit but i still miss what we used to have.

This day is just really getting to me I guess, all will go back to normal when this horrid day is over with.

Better.

At the moment, things are going okay.. No more sadness, well.. a little. I got my heart broken so of course its still going to hurt, but things are better, its not constant. Lately ive been going through whole days without getting down. Theres always something that reminds me though, but it just doesn't make me very sad anymore.. it feels good to start being happy, to be living life for me now and not somebody else. Im free. 

But still, I miss him. Its just not eating at me anymore. Im hoping one day we can be friends, I still want him in my life even if we just hang every so often, play some COD or something haha. Other then that though I moved recently off of that awfull street, waaay better here for mom! No stairs or anything, its perfect for her. 

My moms birth mother died yesterday morning.. yet i feel nothing. I barely knew the woman, all i knew about her was that she chose liquor over her husband and daughters, and her boyfriend was a crazy man and threatened to stab my mom in her sleep if we didnt move back to Sudbury. (Btw, we lived in Brighton next door to her for six months when i was 3) I never had respect for her upon hearing that so I dont feel as if i should be sad, but it feels wrong not feeling anything.. she was my grandmother, but she was never my grandma.. Its just weird, idk how to feel. But i will say, R.I.P Virginia, i wish you would have been there as a grandma.. but you werent, if u get to live again in any form, i hope your second life was better then this one.

As for missing Ashley, its just getting worse, im beginning to miss her more and more. Christmas is coming and reality is sinking in.. she wont be there. I can't believe that!.. I dont know how im going to get through Christmas this year.

huge update.

April.. As if that was the last update, so much has happened since then its unbelievable.

Me and Matts One Year anniversary was on August 27. God I love that guy, but unfortunetly we're not together anymore. There was this girl from his school, and I didnt trust her. I knew she liked him, I could see it and I asked him only not to hang out with her alone, but I called from work one day and he was watching a movie alone with just her. Of course I was upset right? Its not that I didnt trust him, its her.. it was always her. And I NEVER thought once that he was cheating on me. I trusted him, I gave all my heart to that boy. 

Anyway, we got into a fight about it, it was going on for like 2 days.. He thought I didnt trust him, he didnt seem to realize it was her the whole time I didn't trust. I would still trust him even if we ever got back together, which I really doubt. But this girl, shes retarded. Not literally .. well atleast I dont think so? Although there is something wrong in her brain[HA]. And I just wanted a break, it was such a big fight, over me getting mad that he hung out with her alone? Like cmon now seriously its very reasonable. I told him I wanted a few days to myself, to hang out with my friends.. but he wouldnt accept that, he considered it a break up, which wasn't the case AT ALL. And after like 2 days I had asked him everyday to come hang out, he'd say yeah then just always end up not coming, one day HE told me a time he'd come over, spend some time with me.. well he "got busy" again and couldnt, so i got mad. I told him when he did wanna see me to call, he didnt call or txt that whole day.. and then the next day, I go over to my friends after school to play nazi zombies.. Matt txt'd me telling me to call him? I did when i got home and we were talking, and I was crying and he just.. broke up with me.. I was histerical .. How? How could i loose the one person who ever really gave a damn about me? How could he just up and leave me with out even trying to fix things? First time ever breaking up and he didnt even try! Yeah for like a day when I was being stubborn because he broke my fucking heart. 

Then, 2 days later, i'm just getting dressed for work and my cousin Celeste txt'd me and told me my cousin Ashley died. Ashley? 20 years old and so alive and shes gone? I lost Matt then Ash.. But i lost Ashley for good, shes not alive anymore, shes gone. How? She was at the hospital for hours and they didnt let her see a doctor! And then she went home and died in her boyfriends arms. I thought he could be there for me.. you know? When i needed him the most.. but he wasnt, he didnt wanna try at all. And then seeing Ash like that, looking like she'd just wake up and say "Gotcha!" at anytime.. it was so hard, i had no one.. I still dont have anyone. 

I started listening to this band, The Pretty Reckless, made me feel better a little, then my friend started coming around, he made me feel better. I wasnt so sad anymore all the time, I could function again but then some things happened and he stopped coming around. 

I was okay for a little bit. I came home from school to have my mom tell me I need to pay half the rent, half the hydro and basically half the internet/phone/cable bill, im 18? I live with a parent because im trying to get myself a good education I cant afford that kind of shit, I need smokes, food.. i pay for my cell phone.. and i only make 200$ every 2 weeks. So its either, do that.. give all the money i make for rent, move with my dad whos struggling like crazy and cant even afford me being there(although he says i can anyways) or get an apartment with a roomate. Im screwed.

I just dont know what to do anymore, and also, recently Matts little cousin msg'd me on facebook basically telling me she thinks that stupid girl is his new girlfriend, that they were holding hands at his little cousins bday party like 2 weeks ago? Why the hell was she there with him anyway? Friends my ass. If he ever loved me.. why the hell would he be doing these things? I dont understand! And its why its a million times harder to move on. I was fine until hearing that stuff.. well not fine, but id say i was okay. Getting better. But fuck man it hurts, and I just dont get how he didnt wanna try to fix things with us? I just dont get it. Just let our love fall apart and didnt even consider trying to fix things? I love him, so so so so so much, and i miss him like crazy.. He wont even answer my txts, my calls.. nothing. He doesnt love me anymore, he probably never did, I will never love anyone ever again, At the state im in, with all this shit thats going on.. I wont make it very long, i just cant do it anymore.

LIST

- Get a job

- Get a new computer

- Go to school every day for a month

-Get Matt to explain to me what the hell is running through his mind

- Start saving money for Florida to meet my sister in law and my niece!

- Graduate school in the in the next yeah and a half

-Don't give up 

Okay so, I fear that my relationship is in trouble. I don't understand why its so hard to have both my friend and my boyfriend in my life, why do I have to throw a friend away because of conflicts that happened before we started to date? Life isn't fair, thats always been clear to me, when something good happens, its followed by lots of bad. When a friends in trouble, and needs someone in there life to talk to, and who has made bad choices but is a good person underneath it all.. shouldn't you always be there for that friend, expecially if their your best friend? My boyfriend just doesn't seem to understand that we're really good friends.. He hates him. But if my friends willing to try and make up for old mistakes, and prove hes doing better.. shouldn't my boyfriend try and be more understanding seeing as how much this is hurting. Ughhh!


As I said, life's unfair.. but what can we do?

My life sucks, all i wanna do is hang out with one of my bestfriends and my boyfriend Matt wont have it, this guy was involved in some mest up shit when we first started being friends, was into drugs, ripping people off.. one of thoes people he ripped off was my boyfriend, but it was before we were even dating and my friends been to jail since then, he says hes smartening up and I want to be there for him, i want to see him do good with his life not go down the drain, but Matt wont have that, he hates the guy more than anything. Matt seems to think that my friends going to try to get with me or something when he never tried anything before, why now? And hes got a girlfriend hes been with for over a year. This is eating away at me, how is our relationship going to take this? Im not dropping my friend because he wants me too, people can change and i think my friend is going to be one of them, anyway im out, just needed to vent.

Eclipse trailer is kickass!

I'm dedicating this entire entry to how excited i am to see the movie eclipse. 

So i seen the trailer the other day, and now im overly excited for the movie, they just better not have changed alot from the book because they've already edited way too much shit out of the movie, for anyone whos going to read this, im telling you to READ THE TWILIGHT BOOKS, trust me you will enjoy the books alot more then the movies although the movies are still amazing, but anyway the eclipse trailer was amazing, got my heart beating real fast, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner look sexy as ever in the trailer, and i just had to post my excitement on here even though its not remotly close to how excited i was when i first seen the trailer, oh my god my boyfriend must have thought i went retarded. Anyway i'm off, watching the biggie movie!

loveyoubby;; your my life!

Good news.

I've got a job! It's nothing special, only at Tim Hortons for now, but still.. its money and i'm freaking happy it didn't take me months to get another job. So now is when the saving starts! Not lots, just a little from every check.

Other than that, yesterday my mom told me she wanted us to move in with her friend and her son, and although I love her because shes been moms friend ever since I can remember, and I look at her son like a little brother I still don't want to move into their house, its not a good envirement for me or my mother. She said we wont go though, its a family decision so its going to be alright, we'll just keep looking for a place with no stairs because its hard on her hips, (she has austioporosis) with our little pom Foxy. 

Anyway, things are looking a little better on my part. :)

I've been making this kinda list I guess you can say, about my goals in the next few years, and i've decided im going to just post it right now, and every time I do the next thing on my list, im going to re-pt ost it with the next thing scratched out, just so I can keep track of how long it takes me. 

List

  

- Get a job

- Get a new computer

- Go to school every day for a month

- Start saving money for an apartment for the summer

- Maybe start saving for my puppy? :)

- Graduate school in the in the next yeah and a half

Okay theres all I can think of right now, as I cross things out im sure i'll think of more things to add in there.

Worried.. and impatient.... and stressed.

Ugh, this cold is retarded. I'm getting pretty fed up with this winter bullshit, I can't even go snow blading so whats the fun in snow when theres never anything to DO! I want the summer to return so this winter depression is overrr. I'm worried like crazy about my dad because he isn't working right now, and i'm pretty sure that must be upsetting him, I can see it in his eyes whenever I ask for money and he doesn't have it, which is kinda partly why I've been complaining so much about the cold, I'm not equipped for the winter, my clothes aren't warm enough. 

I need a job now more then ever, I remember wanting a  job only so I can pimp my out my room with kick ass stuff, now its for things that actually matter, like clothes, eventually an apartment in a few months, hopefully this summer so I can finally get on with my life and get that puppy I've been dying to get since I cant even remember. I'm going to be 18 in May, I've had one job in my life and im still going grade 9 work which is pretty pathetic because I should be graduating this year but i'm not, I should be getting my life started

after this summer but I don't even know how long it'll take me to finish my high school then theres college, thats so long until I can start my life.. ughh this is going to take forever but its all going to be worth it in the end. I hope.

I'm hoping to become a nurse and maybe move to Florida for 6 months out of the year MAYBE if I can. I sure hope so because I've got my hole life planned out in my head, 3-4 children, identical twin girls and a little boy when i'm about 24-27, when I don't have my cat Buddah anymore I plan on getting 2 male kittens, one a persian and the other a siamese cat.. within the same week. And then theres my dream dogs that I have to be very patient for because I don't have the type of environment to have a big Samoyed. 

One day I believe i'll reach my goals, i still have the opportunity to lead a good life and thats what i'm gonna do. At this point in my life I've got people in my life who love me and who I love unconditionally, my mothers adorable and awesome, I love my dad more then life its self and my boyfriend Matthew who was there or me when i felt all alone, he is the best friend and boyfriend I can ask for and i'm so lucky I found a good one. I love you bby!

I miss my brothers like I can't even explain, expecially my brother Jamie because I haven't seen him in so long, but hes so much happier where he is now with his beautiful wife, im so happy he found her. My brother Gates is probably the luckiest person I know, hes been traveling the world for a long time, but hes coming to spend a few months at my dads so i'm really excited about seeing him. 

Anyway, thats all for now.. not sure when i'll write next !

P.s ;  Ghandi I still miss you more every single day, please come home

Christmas, so close!

Ever weird, I have a job and im sticking to it! Its only at Walmart but its still basically my first job other then babysitting and stuff. Its not that bad either, hurts my back and legs a little but it isnt boring, it keeps you busy and you make money at the same time :). Im happy about it too because i can actually buy my mom and dad something good this year, like I told myself I would. Anddddd I actually have a bf to buy things for this year which im excited about because i CAN its mint!

Other then that im getting a little sad about christmas, i keep imagining myself getting a nice puppu for Christmas since Foxy, my current lil pom is my moms.. She was mine but it looks like my mother needed a friend at the time more then me, plus i was about 11 years old when i got Foxy so she basically got attatched to my mom, which im happy about because my mom NEEDED her, well now i feel like i NEED my own friend, i have friends, enough anyway but sometimes they dont tell you what you want to hear, sometimes they make you feel worse when there only trying to make you feel better. Yeah i have my cat Buddah but cats arent like dogs, I just dream of having my own dog to bring everywhere with me(Except for work ext.) Cant though, no matter how much i dream, it'd be too hard to train a puppy from an apartment plus my moms apartment is too small for a big dog, not like i want her to be big, just medium sized and all MINE. Its not going to happen, not for a while but a girl can dream!
Anyway im off <3

P.s please let us move outta that place so i can actually get my puppy! (yn)

Forever gone.. so it seems.

Okay so im kinda new at this stuff, and from what ive seen from other peoples blogs, considering they usually all start happy, well mines starting differently. Right now im sitting at my boyfriends house, and im upset. Really really upset. This summer my cat ran away, and that cat was my life, his names Ghandi and hes big white/grey ish.. he was my life, he saved my life and now hes gone, everytime i go to my dads i get emotional, like snappy and then i just brake down and i really dont know what to do about this anymore. I miss my baby minou so bad and it hurts so MUCH, i hate how this is turning into just tears, id like to start my first blog from a happy perspective but at this point in my life it just cant be done, for now i guess i'll just take it day by day and see how it goes but it doesnt seem to be getting any better, if anything its getting a whole lot worse and me missing him like this is taking over my life, for the past few weeks thats all ive been thinking about, its just waiting in the back of my head until im alone to explode and then theres just no stopping it, actually i take that back, writing this is actually stopping the tear, kinda like im keeping a journal for the world to see, anyways until next time.