What I have learned.

Woww, its really been since march i havnt updated this thing.. Seems like a habit to be starting this blog about him again.. but its different this time.. I dont miss him anymore.. I see what he did to me.. but as i see I havnt updated this since before all the drama with me and him escalated so i feel like i should share what has happened since then.

In April.. he started talking to me again.. Calling and what not.. coming up with excuses to see me again.. We had started talking almost everyday.. but he was still dating that girl I spoke of before. So behind her back he continued to talk to me.. we had built another natural relationship although it was all a secret, but he was there again. After a couple weeks of this he ended up getting drunk and showing up at my house and telling me that he still cared and that he missed us.. also that he didnt even know why he was with the girl he was with and that he didnt even wanna be with her.. After sobering up on both of our parts we ended up hooking up and he cheated on his new gf with me. He felt bad and what not but i was just happy as hell because i had gotten back at her for taking him from me.. She ended up finding our txts from that night and went home crying.. he broke up with her for other reasons and i thought things would be different for us.. Yet he got back with her, didnt tell her what happened and just continued to lie to her.. I found out later in all this that the bastard cheated on me with her .. his exact words to me one day were "We hooked up.. thats part of the reason i didnt come back to you was because i didnt wanna seem like a cheater". After hearing that and processing it I realized.. "WTF am i doing?!  This needs to STOP.." so i came up with a plan to tell his gf what happened even though i promised him i wouldnt say anything.. knowing it would fuck up what we were doing and would make him stop talking to me i realized that what was happening was not worth it at all.. so in my own way, i deliberatly pushed him way again.. but this time it was MY decision.. it didnt break my heart like it did before.. this time it just made me stronger :).

I know what happened was bad, but the little bitch deserved it.. and so did he. I dont regret anything ive done to them but i know now that i have my closure.. After all that.. im over him.. im finally moving on and happy with my life and im so thankful to have the people i do have in my life that care about me.

One day I hope we can make up and be friends like we were before. Im sure we will.. this whole situation just shows me that friends... shouldn't ever be more then friends .

Memoriesss

Memories memories memories.. ahh they suck, well the ones that came back in a flash because my stupid subconscious mind decided to dream of him last night. Well not exacly him.. more of the essence of him. I miss it, being loved, kissed, hugged. It was constant for a long time for me, the end of my teenage life was wasted on that fool. I really hate that we wasted a perfectly good friendship by dating, of course I loved the guy but he was a good friend before all this, and we messed it all up by dating and I hate it. That is mostly all that bothers me about the way things turned out between us, I honestly wish I could be happy for him and his girlfriend, but that fact that everytime i try to get over it I think that its her fault hes not in my life, maybe not entirely but she was the main cause, the thing that tore us apart. If he would have met someone after we had broken up my feel alot different. But im pretty sure that if he had never met her we wouldnt be in this predicament.


Who knows though, perhaps we can be friends again years from now, when were both matured and over everything from the past. Can ex's even be friends? That is something i'd really like to know.



I hate that I always start these things about him, I only feeling like updating this when my feelings are strong about something, there are other things going on too with mom, shes being all weird lately, I think shes on new meds or something, but i dont know what to do about it this time.. I dont have a nurse telling me what to keep track of.. its scary this whole mess with mom is just scary because I have no idea whats going on with her, im afraid shes got dementia or alseimers because shes forgetting an awful lot. Im afraid for her, im afraid of losing my mom and it scares me everyday.

Valentines day.

Considering this is a romantic holiday this theme will obviously be romance. Well romance sucks.

You know its 3:38am and im just, depressed. Today just isn't my day.. I'm honestly way over being sad over that piece of shit but today, I do really miss him.. more then like, any other day then Christmas. Just remembering how it used to be.. We were inlove. It just really saddens me.. thinking.. a year from now, we were us.. I didnt think he'd ever just replace me the way he has.. today it just gets to me, its Valentines day after all and im all alone.. and just thinking of him with her kills me, but its his own fault.. he did this to us with her help and honestly, what he did to me was not right. It was horrible and hes just a piece of shit but i still miss what we used to have.

This day is just really getting to me I guess, all will go back to normal when this horrid day is over with.