April.. As if that was the last update, so much has happened since then its unbelievable.
Me and Matts One Year anniversary was on August 27. God I love that guy, but unfortunetly we're not together anymore. There was this girl from his school, and I didnt trust her. I knew she liked him, I could see it and I asked him only not to hang out with her alone, but I called from work one day and he was watching a movie alone with just her. Of course I was upset right? Its not that I didnt trust him, its her.. it was always her. And I NEVER thought once that he was cheating on me. I trusted him, I gave all my heart to that boy.
Anyway, we got into a fight about it, it was going on for like 2 days.. He thought I didnt trust him, he didnt seem to realize it was her the whole time I didn't trust. I would still trust him even if we ever got back together, which I really doubt. But this girl, shes retarded. Not literally .. well atleast I dont think so? Although there is something wrong in her brain[HA]. And I just wanted a break, it was such a big fight, over me getting mad that he hung out with her alone? Like cmon now seriously its very reasonable. I told him I wanted a few days to myself, to hang out with my friends.. but he wouldnt accept that, he considered it a break up, which wasn't the case AT ALL. And after like 2 days I had asked him everyday to come hang out, he'd say yeah then just always end up not coming, one day HE told me a time he'd come over, spend some time with me.. well he "got busy" again and couldnt, so i got mad. I told him when he did wanna see me to call, he didnt call or txt that whole day.. and then the next day, I go over to my friends after school to play nazi zombies.. Matt txt'd me telling me to call him? I did when i got home and we were talking, and I was crying and he just.. broke up with me.. I was histerical .. How? How could i loose the one person who ever really gave a damn about me? How could he just up and leave me with out even trying to fix things? First time ever breaking up and he didnt even try! Yeah for like a day when I was being stubborn because he broke my fucking heart.
Then, 2 days later, i'm just getting dressed for work and my cousin Celeste txt'd me and told me my cousin Ashley died. Ashley? 20 years old and so alive and shes gone? I lost Matt then Ash.. But i lost Ashley for good, shes not alive anymore, shes gone. How? She was at the hospital for hours and they didnt let her see a doctor! And then she went home and died in her boyfriends arms. I thought he could be there for me.. you know? When i needed him the most.. but he wasnt, he didnt wanna try at all. And then seeing Ash like that, looking like she'd just wake up and say "Gotcha!" at anytime.. it was so hard, i had no one.. I still dont have anyone.
I started listening to this band, The Pretty Reckless, made me feel better a little, then my friend started coming around, he made me feel better. I wasnt so sad anymore all the time, I could function again but then some things happened and he stopped coming around.
I was okay for a little bit. I came home from school to have my mom tell me I need to pay half the rent, half the hydro and basically half the internet/phone/cable bill, im 18? I live with a parent because im trying to get myself a good education I cant afford that kind of shit, I need smokes, food.. i pay for my cell phone.. and i only make 200$ every 2 weeks. So its either, do that.. give all the money i make for rent, move with my dad whos struggling like crazy and cant even afford me being there(although he says i can anyways) or get an apartment with a roomate. Im screwed.
I just dont know what to do anymore, and also, recently Matts little cousin msg'd me on facebook basically telling me she thinks that stupid girl is his new girlfriend, that they were holding hands at his little cousins bday party like 2 weeks ago? Why the hell was she there with him anyway? Friends my ass. If he ever loved me.. why the hell would he be doing these things? I dont understand! And its why its a million times harder to move on. I was fine until hearing that stuff.. well not fine, but id say i was okay. Getting better. But fuck man it hurts, and I just dont get how he didnt wanna try to fix things with us? I just dont get it. Just let our love fall apart and didnt even consider trying to fix things? I love him, so so so so so much, and i miss him like crazy.. He wont even answer my txts, my calls.. nothing. He doesnt love me anymore, he probably never did, I will never love anyone ever again, At the state im in, with all this shit thats going on.. I wont make it very long, i just cant do it anymore.
LIST
- Get a job
- Get a new computer
- Go to school every day for a month
- Start saving money for Florida to meet my sister in law and my niece!
- Graduate school in the in the next yeah and a half
-Don't give up
